Where do the phrases- "put on your big girl pants" or "take a big girl pill" come from? Anyone know?? Just wondering...

I am struggling with the concept of Spiritual Protection. We pray before we start long journeys and give thanks for the safe completion, but what about the people who didn't make it safely in spite of their prayers? We hear the story of a healing and give thanks to God for his goodness, but what about those who are still sick and those who died in spite of the prayers lifted up for them? Or worse- what about the ones that lived on physically but have lost their ability to think or to move independently? We pray for the spouse of our children that God will make him/her into a Godly person that will enrich our child's life and lift up hands of joy when he provides such a person, but what about the child in a bad relationship- stuck in an abusive or sick marriage, or ignored and neglected, or isn't loved?

I hear it all the time in Christian circles- Thank God for his provisions- for his giving me a job, for his healing hand, for his protection in life... and it is rarer still to hear someone grieving over the death of a loved one to say, "Thank you God for letting him get sick and for letting us live through this difficult time". I never hear anyone saying, "Thanks for not giving me a job this week because I've learned to depend on you and not on myself". God gives all kinds of gifts to all his people. Some are gifts of health, wealth, fame, and protection while others get the gifts of sickness, poverty, failure, and death. Which is the better gift?

It depends on who you are and what God wants you to learn right now. Sometimes, I want to shout- "Ok, God. I get it. Can you give me a little more.... and a little less of the .... right now?" and then I realize that what I really need is something totally different from what I am asking for. God doesn't always give us what we ask for (thank goodness) but he always gives us exactly what we need. Unlike our Aunt Betty who doesn't realize we're not six anymore, his gifts always fit and are never returnable.

There is this prevalent teaching out in the world that says that if God "lets" you experience something bad, it is because you have sinned and deserve it. If you want the badness to go away, you need to repent and ask forgiveness. But it's never that easy. God isn't that simple. He has one main goal for you- to have a perfect relationship with him. There are lots of things that get in the way of that relationship- your temper, your tongue, your unforgiving heart, your self-righteousness, your ugliness and he has lots of way of purifying you so that you can spend time with him. Some times it is your sin that causes bad things to happen, but sometimes it is simply because he wants you to learn something precious and to share it with someone who hasn't learned it yet. Sometimes it's not because of you at all but because he has a big picture in mind and you're a small part of the puzzle. Whoo Hoo for being a part of the puzzle and not the plastic wrapping on the box that got thrown away after you opened it!

It's not about good gifts or bad gifts with God, but it's about how you receive them and what you do with them that matters. If you are faithful in small things, he'll give you more things to be faithful with. If you cry, storm, and throw a temper tantrum because he gave you the wrong thing, he will wait patiently for you to finish and then start working with you on accepting it cheerfully. For me- it begins and ends with LOVE... love in action. If we were playing rock, paper, love, then love always wins. Knowing that God loves me enough to give me a difficult gift is the beginning of accepting it. Knowing that God loves me, even if his gift makes me angry or sad, helps me adjust my attitude. Knowing that God's love covers all my sins lets me face each one and work on refining my heart and soul so that it can be in the presence of Good. 

So while I'm grateful for the gift of safe travel, of a healthy child, of a happy marriage, of a warm home, of a providing hand, I am working on being grateful for the hard times, for the difficult gifts, because they are a sign that God trusts me with the bad stuff and not just the easy stuff in life.

And thus... this year I'm sharing with you a little more of what I'm thinking about spiritually. I know many of you aren't believers, but I know that most of you are asking many of the same questions, so I hope you don't mind if I wander through some of my spiritual life thoughts more this year. I welcome your comments and insights. It's part of the learning/thinking process for me.

Be bold

Be brave

Walk in faith

Believe always

Face fears head on

Grow... even if it hurts

Write... even if it doesn't sell

Be honest and sincere

Move more

Dream more

Love more

Live more

Forgive more

Walk in grace

Live in peace

Work intently

Play fiercely

Love always

You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.
- Mary Pickford

**Fear of failure is one of those fears that can keep you from trying new things. You'd rather stay right where you are than take a chance and fail. I'm not too afraid of failing. I'm more afraid of not taking the chance and losing out forever. One of the gifts my father gave me when I went to college was a copy of his book. Inside the front cover it said something like this:

As you begin this new adventure, you will have lots of opportunities and experiences. Some you will excel at while others will end in failure. But don't be afraid of failure. Very few failures are fatal, and you can learn more from failure than you can from success if you let yourself. So go out there and try new things. Take chances. And let failure be a part of your life. Then you will have lived and your life will be more successful for the risks you've taken. Love, Dad.

We try to protect ourselves and our children from failure.  We tell our kids they are winners, as if saying so makes it so, for failure is not an option in our society. It's not acceptable in our society to fail at business, marriage, or parenting. Driven by our need to succeed, we forget how many times the baseball player doesn't hit a homerun at the plate, or how many times Edison failed before he finally made a lightbulb that worked. In spite of our demands to succeed, failure is part of the learning and growing process.

We learn we can fail and still be happy. We can fail and find some success in the failure. If you get an F on a test, do you use it as part of the process of figuring out what you did wrong so you can get a better grade next time, or do you blame your teacher, saying "He hates me" or your little brother for keeping you from studying? If you get a bad review at work, do you quit because they "don't appreciate me and my hard work" or do you look at it carefully for things you can do differently in the year ahead? I've known parents who have cried because their child got an F and I wonder what they will do when the child fails at something important. I've known teachers who quit because they were asked to do something differently and they were insulted by the correction.

Failure... is a fact of life. About 10 new books are published a year at some publishing houses and they get thousands of inquiries. Mine is one of them. Each time I get a "No" I look at the book again. Can I improve it? Is it my cover letter? What about the query letter? I refine it and work up the nerve to send it out again. I know the book is good. I know it deserves to be published. I just have to find someone else who believes the same thing. It's hard to cope with the rejections and months can go between the last rejection and the next time I send it out. I have to keep believing that someday the right person will read it; that someday I'll beat the odds.

In the meantime, I court danger as I play with the odds of failing. Fear of failure keeps you from experiencing life to its fullest and actual success in the end.

So looking at what didn't happen in '09 isn't a negative thing for me, but a way to process what I need to do differently in '10. It's a way to pick myself up and try again. My only other option is to stay down and walk away from the dream, and I can't let that happen- not yet. Because as F. Scott Fitzgerald says..."You don't write because you want to say something; you write because you've got something to say."

... and I still have a lot to say...

** partially recycled from a 2006 post- still relevant today for me...

This year...

I finished a screenplay and submitted it to a major contest where it failed to move on.

I wrote a manga and the creator doesn't have time to finish it because he's working on paying stuff.

I edited and submitted a novel to another contest and am waiting for the results of it.

I applied for a writing grant and didn't get it.

I lost my job and didn't find another one.

I wrote less here and lost most of my readers- all but my most faithful ones.

I was rejected by a publishing house who liked the idea (and the cover/query letter) but didn't have room in its 2010 catalogue.

I was rejected by three more agents. I've been rejected by the best in the business and the middle of the business now.

I have screenplay #2 mostly sketched out in my head.

I have notes and research for the new novel stacking up around me.

It was one of those years.... one of those faith/ belief/suck it up and keep trying kind of years.

Next year? I donno.... I just donno anymore....

Keep trying? Trying doesn't pay the mortage. Trying doesn't give you money for extras or travel.

Keep believing?

Keep honing the craft?

Next year I think I'll have to take it one day at a time, just like this year...

praying that the right person reads my stuff....

So it's more of the same in 2010...

keep writing, keep marketing, keep job hunting, keep praying, keep growing, keep believing, keep chasing doubt gremlins away...

You?

Today is my birthday... Family and friends have left me "Best Wishes" and there are gifts waiting for me to open under the tree. The Love of My Life bought emergency birthday gifts because my real gifts haven't arrived from Hong Kong or Japan yet. My birthday's always been a bit funny. By the time it arrives two days after Christmas, people are tired of celebrating, shopping, and are thinking about diets and exercise and where they're going to spend New Year's Eve. And in reality... it's just a birthday. Everyone has one every single year. Some years are better than others, but they come on bad years as well as good ones, and you can't stop them or delay them.

Cake is a funny thing. I don't really like cake and don't care if we have one or not for my birthday. It's just cake, you know. So... what makes a birthday a birthday? It's not the food, the gifts, or even the company. Birthdays come even without those things- kind of like Whoville had Christmas after the Grinch stole it. A date on the calendar, it comes and it goes and it comes again. When you're a child, you think you'll never have another birthday after your last one and the time between each one feels like ten years or longer. But the clock rushes by as the birthdays come faster and faster until you find yourself thinking, "Didn't I have one of these recently? I could swear we just celebrated it!" And I know the alternative isn't a good thing, because there's only one way to stop having birthdays...

Exactly what am I saying? Darn if I know...  but John Lennon says it best when he sings...

... And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
Ans so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
Ans so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
War is over over
If you want it
War is over
Now...

Update.... why on earth is this post featured as a top post? Of all the good stuff I've written, it's a a bit frustrating to see ppl come by for a bit of my pure whining! Sigh!

 Only the xanga gods know what they're up to some days... anyways, thanks for stopping by. Come again when I have something more thoughtful and well-written, Ok?

We made the decision to move here last year for two reasons. 1. to spend time with my parents while they were at their best and 2. to be closer to our kid when they decided to have a child.

This Christmas we realized both of those things were accomplished. I went Christmas shopping and out to lunch with my step mother. In all the years we've known each other, we've never had time to do that. I might even fit in some after Christmas shopping this year as well. Last Sunday we drove to my brother's church, sat with my parents, and watched him direct 20 -30 teenagers with loud instruments and then gave his 5 year old her birthday present. Christmas Eve, four generations gathered around my father's table and enjoyed the chaos that six under thirteen can cause when they've had too much sugar and too many gifts in a small space. The baby and her parents joined us here for Christmas Dinner and gifts last night. The real gifts we've been given this year is healing and redemption, love and grace.

The empty places at the table still hurt a little, but it's hard to notice them too much when the 9 month old is buried in wrapping paper, the two year old is grinding red jello into the carpet, the five year old is demanding attention, the seven year old is taking pictures with his sister's camera, the thirteen year old is attempting to control the chaos, and the newborn needs a new diaper... again! Accepting each other in spite of our faults, loving and appreciating each other because of our mistakes, finding peace and joy in the mess of life, I realized that we were richly blessed.

My parents are aging. They are slowing down and aching more. They travel less and even the hour and half drive to my house is too much right now. But my parents have changed in the last eight years. They have mellowed and grown and I find a sense of satisfaction in knowing that one doesn't have to be stuck in the past, but one can choose to move on at any age.

As my father held my grandchild, I realized that she will grow up with him in her life and that I couldn't give her a better gift. They will walk his garden, eat his fresh vegetables, pick his flowers, and track mud in the house. She will swing on his tire swing and climb his apple trees. And I will be there to watch them both. God willing, he has another good ten years to share with us, and we plan on being there for every single one of them, and for the bad years later. I will pick up my grandchild from her sitter sometimes and drive down to her Great Grandparents for a day in the country. 

Christmas takes a lot of prep work and organization, and sometimes I think we spend too much time and effort on one day of the entire year, but the memories last a lifetime, or even four generations. It is the gift we give each other that can't be wrapped, or bought, or put under the tree. Merry Christmas, my friends. May your holidays be full of things that can't be put under the tree!

'07's Christmas Story- Cross In the Snow Several parts- written for my niece to go with her Christmas present...

'06's Christmas Story- All I Want For Christmas written for a fellow writer, based on a few details of his life- the rest is made up!

I think I have time to write an '09 story, but I have no ideas...

Give me an idea that I can use and I'll write one for you! An object, an event, a character... something!!!

I'm a bit at loose ends with the book off to the contest and not feeling like baking or making gifts right now...

Help a writer out!

You think you have it bad this holiday season? At least you're not the Mall Santa in Jeff Markowitz' new book.

Behind in child support, two goomba's with necks the size of Mac Truck cabs and brains the size of peas threatening you for gambling losses, and with terrified children peeing on your lap, things don't look good for Tommy. The Santa gig at the Mall will take a little of the pressure off- or at least that's what Tommy hoped until the Mack family decided that Tommy needed to participate in a little five finger discounting for them if he wanted all ten of his fingers to keep working.

It's Mall Security to the rescue, spotting his fifteen minutes of fame, when Big Mack turns up dead in the bathroom and the tale takes off from there- a rollicking read!

Characters so realistic that you swear you saw them eating Cinnamon Bread at Mastori's across from you the last time you ate there. And the laughter? It will drown out Santa's Ho Ho Ho's. So put away all your seasonal tasks. Set aside the baking, the decorating, the wrapping of gifts. Quit shopping for Aunt Marla. You know she'll return anything you buy anyway. Don't worry about the dust bunnies under the table. Finding them there will give your mother-in-law greater joy than the expensive perfume you bought at Macy's. Buy your turkey already cooked with all the trimmings at the Acme down the street from Cassie's house. You have more important things to do this holiday season. You need to curl up with a good mystery and Jeff Markowitz has written the perfect one for this time of year.

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Murder... everywhere you go! Order a copy today for Aunt Marla and your Mother-in-law, and while you're at it, order one for the mailman, the pizza delivery guy, your favorite bookie, and oh yeah, don't forget the Mall Santa and yourself while you're at it! Everything will look shinier and brighter when you're finished. So take time to curl up with a good book fresh off the presses of one of Xanga's real writers... doahsdeer! You'll be glad you took a reading break when you're finished!

We lost another creative heart on xanga. jstickmann went to be with his Lord unexpectantly on Sunday. An artist who believed in encouraging others with all his heart, there were times when I felt like he was my own personal cheerleader. Words of strength, wisdom, and love were always found in his comments and I looked forward to each one.

His blogs combined his artwork, poetry, and soul and always uplifted me. He was a friend in the real sense of the word and I will miss him greatly. We talked about all kinds of things- promoting our creative work, finding a voice in a noisy world, looking deeper for the real meaning behind the works, and I can't believe those talks are over until we meet in real life in heaven.

I dreamed of owning one of his blue pieces, and we had talked about picking out just the right one, but I was waiting for him to complete the perfect one. There's no such thing as a perfect piece of art or having forever, and I am reminded once again that life is uncertain. We must treasure each person who enters our lives and live life together fully- not waiting for a better time, a bit more money, the perfect piece!

I will miss you, John, but your presence here was a priceless gift! Thank you for your faith, your love, your art, and for living your beliefs daily. Give God a big hug and leave a bit of crayon wax on his white robe so I'll know you're there when I finally arrive. I'll look for you in the art space when I get there, friend, and I know you'll have the perfect blue piece completed for me then.