Saturday, 17 April 2010

• Polaris Ain’t Fish

  From 2007... just a fun bit of writing from the wonky side of my brain- still not sure just what triggered this tale...

  ... because you can't explain some people's behavior no matter how hard you try...

  ... and because my mind works this way sometimes...

  a bit of flash fiction

  ---

  

   

  Erwin excelled in paperwork. Or at least he said he did back on Earth. It’s not like we needed someone who excelled in paperwork. It takes too long for even a short report to reach Earth now that we are past the icy dwarfs outside Neptune’s orbit. The only time I have to send a long form is when a crew member dies, and that hadn’t happened yet- knock on wood.

   

  We aren’t even sure why Erwin was assigned to accompany us on this exploration. He said he pissed off the wrong guys, and knowing Erwin, that’s most likely the truth. He had a special talent for pissing off the wrong guys. We had pulled him out of one mess after another so far.

   

  But the last time was the worst! We were nearly finished with our observations of one of the weirdest alien life forms we had studied so far. They looked and acted like bar magnets floating in a pond of chemical soup on this small moon in the Kuiper Belt. Like a child’s kaleidoscope, they formed wheels and spokes when they neared each other. Long orange and red flat pancakes, they floated on the surface aimlessly. Sometimes, two would enter the same space and one would be repelled across the pond. We named them Polaris after their magnetic pole searching abilities and I spent hours trying to figure out when they would attract and when they would repel.

   

  Erwin was responsible for the cooking. In retrospect, that was a bad decision, but the reality was that other than doing paperwork, Erwin was a pencil pusher with no real talents, and cooking didn’t require a unique gift. We weren’t running low on supplies, and we weren’t starving, so Erwin’s behavior had no excuse.

   

  He claimed that he was bored of our usual food and wanted to try something new. So he fixed a beer-batter and let it rise while he went fishing. The smell of fresh deep fried fish greeted us when we sat down to supper. Golden beer-batter dipped Polaris surrounded by French cut potatoes, with a home brewed beer chilled perfectly on the table, Erwin beamed.

   

  Most Rocket Scientists tend to be a tad squeamish about eating their study projects and our crew was no different. Unfortunately, we told him so somewhat roughly. His feelings hurt by our refusal to touch his elaborate meal, Erwin stormed out of the hut, taking his plate of fried Polaris with him.

   

  Maybe things would have been different if he had left the plate behind, or if he hadn’t gone down to the pond to eat them. Maybe. All I know is that when we finally worked up enough nerve to go back to the pond, the Polaris had formed an unusual pattern. It took a while to figure out the meaning behind it, but that was because we were reading it upside down.

   

  They said,

  THANKS FOR LUNCH-NEEDED SALT

   

  I really missed Erwin’s expertise after that. The paperwork you have to fill out when a crewmember is eaten by an alien life form is a bear. You have to excel at it or they’ll return it to you in triplicate to do all over… even if it takes 9 years to reach you again. All I can say is that I hope we are out of here and farther away by the time they get this, because I can’t figure out what to put in line seven: Cause of death: _________

   

  Think they’ll accept eaten alive by bar magnets? Me either! Where’s a paper pusher when you need one?

  Currently In Between New Songs & Greatest Hits By Van Ness Wu see related

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